How was your day?

I had such ambitious plans for today.
I'd been sent the bucket list of a 15 year-old-girl who has terminal cancer. I was rather keen to get on with trying to make one of her doggie dreams come true - arranging for her beloved pet to be photographed.
But instead a policeman was standing in front of me in my office.
I have to say he was a very nice, polite and sensible policeman and I thought he seemed a tad embarrassed to be calling on me. But as he said, if someone makes a complaint they have to check them all out.
Someone had accused me of threats of - from memory - violence and intimidation.
Now those who know me well will be laughing long and hard at this point.
I was stunned. Was he actually a strippergram perhaps?
I have never thought of myself as a scary woman. Many people say I am far too soft.
So why was a police officer standing in my office? The woman who had sent him to me was someone I hadn't actually spoken to for months.
I have to go back a little to bring you up to up to speed with my unusual brush with the law.
It was February. I was driving the children to school at some ungodly hour when my mobile went off. A call before 8am from a number you don't recognise is usually pretty important.
It was a very excited woman on the line. "I live really close to you and it's a huge coincidence, but we both produce dog magazines! I have so much to do - could you help me - I've got so many articles to write, could you help me out...?"
I had never heard of this woman before, I certainly wasn't aware of anyone locally producing a dog magazine. And why was this stranger phoning me on my mobile before 8am? Who makes cold calls at that hour?
I was polite. I said I would phone her back later when I wasn't driving.
I returned home, still slightly puzzled by my early morning call. I googled dog magazines in Woking and there it was....

Surrey Dog Life. Surrey's First and Only Dog Magazine.

As it was Lizette Roux, the editor-in-chief and publisher, who had just phoned me I deduced that she obviously knew now that her dog magazine wasn't the first and only dog magazine in Surrey.
I wrote a very polite email pointing out that obviously it wasn't the case that her magazine was the first and only dog magazine in Surrey and could she please remove that claim? I also pointed out that as she was operating from a remarkably similar address to ours, making this false claim and having such a similar address may lead some people to imagine that she was in fact part of our outfit, which obviously wasn't the case.
The phone rang moments later and a very emotional Lizette sobbed that I was being 'all proper business woman-like and unfriendly'. I explained that I wished her well, but that as she had phoned me she must be now aware that hers was not the first and only dog magazine in Surrey and that as we had been in business for 20 years she really did need to acknowledge this.
She appeared muddled and distressed and claimed hers was the only dog magazine only in Surrey. But I pointed out that she should then state that instead.
But then she said that it would be on sale over the Internet and also in neighbouring counties, so it wasn't actually only in Surrey.
My staff will verify that I was very, very gentle on the phone and entirely non-aggressive. Very probably not very proper business-like at all. I didn't like having a hysterical sobbing woman on the phone line and really wanted her to stop.
She went on, "We're not a threat, we're pro welfare and anti-puppy farming and shops selling pets," and then in another breath, "We're got some great adverts. Harrods are probably going to advertise."
I felt I had to point it out.
That Harrods is a shop.
That it is a shop that sells dogs.
She was amazed.
She offered me a free advert in her magazine and I thanked her and said I would consider it.
I put the phone down and promptly forgot that she even existed.
The office berated me for not being tougher. I'm that scary that my junior staff tell me to be more assertive.
Until a few days ago I had forgotten I had ever spoken to anyone called Lizette. Or that anyone had ever tried to steal that previously unattractive crown of being Surrey's first and only dog magazine.
Someone alerted me to something odd going on Twitter. Someone was saying that female dog magazine editors were green-eyed Rottweilers or something or other.
I was intrigued and found Lizette tweeting this...

"Just having to get a thicker skin for these women - Sue Fearn (Dog Monthly) Jealous or what!! She is so threatening and hard. Not used to."

I phoned Sue up to alert her - call me a little monkey. She was stunned. She had merely phoned Lizette to point out that her fantastic launch issue actually contained two articles that had been copied out word-for-word from Dogs Monthly's March edition. (Well imitation is as they say the greatest compliment...) Sue laughed at the reference to her being threatening and I have to say she sounded really nice. "I couldn't get a word in edgeways!" was her retort to this allegation.
Lizette's next Tweet was:

"Does anyone else have jealous people sending or calling you with idle threats? Please let me know because I am getting them all the time.."

Then (insert dramatic music from a Hammer House of horror film... )

"Dogs Monthly, Dogs Today - whose next to try and bring Surrey Dog Life down? I am so excited with our issue. Lewis Hamilton is a fan!!!!"
"Why oh why are people so evil!"

Then the remarkable and I think my favourite of all Lizette's Tweets...

"Women with a greeneye! Just because I am good looking, talented love dogs! Got a problem? my solicitors are watching..SurreyDogLife rocks end"

Sadly, I had never met the talented beauty that must be Lizette. But her quality must have been radiating out from her gorgeous turn of phrase.

I don't know why, but I went on to her website to check and, what do you know?

Surrey Dog Life was still the 'first and only dog magazine' in Surrey. 

Gosh, I must have really intimidated her back in February, politely asking her to stop making that false claim. And come to think of it, why hadn't she come back to offer me my lovely free advert?
We had parted remarkably amicably with her claiming she wanted to be friends. But we'd drifted apart, there was no further interaction until I was being accused of being a jealous and evil woman all over Twitter.
It just didn't seem to make a lot of sense!

I decided to clarify. First I got some legal advice. No, I wasn't going mad, she couldn't claim to have Surrey's first and only dog magazine. And no, she shouldn't really be defaming me all over Twitter either. Or Sue from Dogs Monthly, either come to mention it!
But what to do? Legal advice was to calmly and clearly state the facts.
So I did.

"Calm down madam! You phoned me for help and then had the cheek to call yourself "the first and only dog magazine in Surrey." "

In my defence, I was trying to lighten the mood - I was alluding to Michael Winner in that terrible insurance advert with Bruce Fogle's wife Julia Foster. The subtlety of this may have been missed by Lizette, I accept that now that I know her a little better.

"We are, in Surrey, we have been going for 20 years and I was very nice and didn't sue you!"

The next day she Tweeted...

"No doubt will get abuse and threats from those rottweiler jealous dog mag editors today! Will keep you all tweeted on the best one.."

That to me sounded like a challenge, and how very un-PC of a dog magazine editor to use Rottweiler in a derogatory connotation. Tut tut.

I got our legal team to issue a 14 day notice asking for the misleading, untrue claim to be removed from Lizette's on line and printed formats. She'd not listened to me, so perhaps a more formal email would get results.

It certainly did. This email came screeching back and I promise you this is the unedited format, with all her own spelling.
(If only murdering the English language carried a custodial sentence!) (She didn't say that bit in brackets obviously - that was me.)

You are not Surrey’s only magazine.

I have taken abuse of the highest standard from ‘your boss’ and have handed this to the police. If you threaten me one more time I will get the police to caution you and Ms Beverley Cundy.

I have spoken to many professional people in the dog world and we are all happy to do a petition about ‘your boss’. I will do YOU for defermation of character. Ms. Cundy has been on my case since February. I have the evidence as do the police.

Jealousy comes to mind, Maybe if she produced a magazine that wasn’t cut and paste’ and was nice we would not be in the position.

I am fed up of your threats and disgusting abuse to me and my company.

Well I was almost speechless, or as someone on facebook wittily suggested, "speachless". I climbed back onto Twitter.

"Sigh. At least spell my name correctly. I don't hate you, I just want you to stop saying vile things & making false claims!"

to which she retorted...

"What is Ms Cundy's problem? First she subscribes then she sends a goffer to scare me. Everyone hates her. Why does she hate me so much?"

I try to explain my surprising desire to see her exciting organ...

"I subscribed to see if you really had copied two articles out of Dogs Monthly's March edition as alleged."
and,
" I really was very nice to you back in February but your outbursts here have been most unprofessional"
and
"And as to the email you have just sent to our legal department suggesting you have called the police.... speechless!"

Then her next Twitter revealed that there had been a phone conversation between herself and our legal bod.

"Her Goffer  is still threatening me and put the phone down. Can anyone check him out? Apparently the legal (!) side!x"

and

"Hi Guys! Feeling really good now. Getting over the 'idle threats'. Why or why can't people just be nice about other people setting up? x"

Well I think you're getting the picture now. So what went on in this phone call, I hear you ask?

Our email had encouraged Lizette to call to discuss a resolution to the 'first and only' tagline problem. When Lizette first called our office she seemed unaware that we had caller display as phoning from her office number she claimed to be someone entirely new called "Sharon" and when asked where she was calling from she amusingly replied, "Essex".  She was told that the person she needed had just left and was on the way to the station if she'd like to phone his mobile.

He was buying a ticket and the call went to answerphone and we have a lovely recording of the whole thing that I may make into an audioboo when I learn how to do that as it is rather entertaining.

I think she was shouting quite a lot and saying things like "Don't mess with me and my company," and "The police are on to your boss."

You get the idea. A rant of the first order. She demanded to be phoned back.

On a crowded commuter train, there followed a difficult call. Difficult in that Lizette was shouting so loudly that everyone could not only hear without speaker phone being enabled, but they couldn't help but giggle and make comments!

It went something along the lines of. "You're a Waaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr." There was the "C" word that got Sandi Toksvig in all that trouble. There was other words too rude for a lady like me to write in a family blog. Wanker was risqué enough, and I know I'll probably get letters.

Apparently everyone hates me, and that Roger Mugford hates me too -  and well lots of important people who are probably very dear friends of Lizette and really do love her using their name in a conversation littered with such colourful language.

I was just jealous of her. It's true she has a larger swearing vocab than I do...drat! And she is obviously very, very attractive. Must be - she said it.

The 'Madam' word just cropped up again. It was a politeness thing, but she certainly didn't like it. "Don't call me Madam, " she yelled in a very ladylike manner.
Seemed a little churlish to pick up our side of the conversation for being littered with the offensive 'm' word when she was f'ing and blinding like the editor of Fish Wife weekly.

Anyhow my legal Beagle was going to get the benefit of a family history lecture, unrequested of course. Lizette's son was allegedly a policeman (he was going to come around to 'do' me apparently!). and her brother a solicitor.
A chink of light.
Could we perhaps talk to her solicitor brother about the false claim of being Surrey's first and only dog magazine? We could come to his offices?
"Is that a threat you wankkkkeerrrr...."
No. It's not a threat. "You just threatened me."
No I didn't I asked you for a meeting at your solicitor's offices.
More swearing. A lot more swearing.
Red faces in the railway carriage.
Time to end the call.

The chap sitting opposite confides, "Your job certainly sounds a lot more interesting than mine!"

So, this morning, I was sitting at my desk when there was a knock at the door and poor Graham the PC walks in and becomes just another character in this surreal episode.

"Hello," I say. "Are you Lizette's son?"
He looks puzzled. "She said you'd be round."

No. He wasn't Lizette's son, but he wrote that down.
He later said he'd probably go mad if his Mum had said anything like that to a member of the public!
He looked at the email exchange, he looked at the Twitters. He listened to the answerphone rant.
I joked about leaving it a bit late for me to engage in a life of crime.
He didn't get his handcuffs out.

He said he'd go back and have a word with Lizette who had seemed a bit 'stressed' earlier, probably with all the worry of launching Surrey's first and only dog magazine.
I explained I bore the woman absolutely no malice and just wanted her to stop claiming hers to be Surrey's first and only dog magazine - because it wasn't.
I knew that those sort of things were best handled by the Advertising Standards Authority and the Office of Fair Trading and that these were the avenues we were already going down. I would not have thought to phone 999.
He said Lizette had said earlier that she was going to take down her claim to be Surrey's first and only, which made everyone happy, briefly.
(But it made us later question why she dispatched a lovely policeman to deliver this good news when he probably had murders to solve and paperwork to attend to. A simple email would have sufficed.)
I was almost late for my important lunch with the boss of Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. Now imagine how embarrassing it would have been in she'd met me at the office and caught me getting my collar felt for intimidating a sweet and innocent softly spoken business lady who was in no way strange.
All was almost well with the world, until later that afternoon when Lizette announced to the Twitterverse in upper case - so really shouty - that she was the boss of SURREY'S FIRST AND ONLY DOG MAGAZINE!
And then she Twittered again that she couldn't send out a copy of her gorgeous publication to two people on Twitter  because they were associates of mine ....

"just nervous of your link with B.Cuddy as she is under police investigationx"

Well you just couldn't make it up could you? Even if you were Jeffery Archer and Enid Blyton's love child you could not construct a plot this unfeasible. On the positive side her spelling had improved.

So I phone the poor police. No, of course I'm not under investigation. No, I can tell people I am not under police investigation. The desk sergeant will phone me back when he gets a moment and they'll probably pop around and see Lizette and ask her to stop.
Good luck with that!
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I'll get a chance to sort out that little girl's bucket list.
I have to say I feel a lot better for writing this all down as in a few years I think I'll have trouble believing that all that actually happened!
Thank you for listening if you got this far... and DO NOT EVER send me a strippergram in police form as it will bring all this back. No I mean it. No.